18 May –
Baby, I hope you can endure another update – it’s been a year in Afghanistan – really tough times – writing the ‘updates’ helped me – I hope they didn’t burden you – I’m sure some of them did (some were just dumb) – I found they helped me understand what we went through, and maybe it helped you see a slice of deployed life – and (again) some were just dumb.
As we near the end of this deployment (and the end of these life sucking ‘updates’), I hope to capture and illustrate the emotional cycles attached to lives of those deploying (and their families) before, during and after a year away – you are dealing with, and helping the families on your end – I’ve got the Soldiers over here – I’m trying to remember all the challenging things families go through during deployment cycles.
I’ve learned to accept (which I previously refused to accept) the mental challenges of these long deployments – I (falsely) believe Soldiers and their families just needed to cowboy-up (whatever that means) and deal with it – I was wrong – I was really wrong – Soldiers and their family’s everyday lives are often near crisis levels just below the surface of what they allow others to see – if their emotional lives (initially) were not healthy and well balanced, they can easily become a higher risk and more vulnerable quickly (often without warning) when they deploy – a year at anything has challenges – try eating Ben and Jerry’s for a year – its always starts out okay, but there are risks – a year deployed can be crushing for both sides of the deployment.
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Getting ready for a deployment starts long before a Soldier actually leaves – deploying into harm’s way is a lot more than a scheduled flight to foreign country – most won’t admit to it anyone (to include themselves) but many Soldiers and their families slip into false narratives about the deployment:
They refuse to address it or speak of the deployment at home or social events – somehow feeling that if it’s not spoken of, it’s not real – this is closely tied to denial and very hard on families.
Some will ignore/deny that the deployment will happen – denial is an easy distraction – the syndrome of, ‘if I don’t think about it, maybe it will go away.’
Others may fantasize that an unforeseen event will occur, removing them from the deployment – a health scare – a administrative error – a family crisis – the airplane will breakdown or that something will happen so the Soldier does not have to leave – the syndrome of, ‘Murphy (of Murphy’s Law) is my friend.’
There are those who fall deep into avoidance – avoid accepting the reality of the approaching deployment (not the same as ignore/deny) – failing qualifications requirements for deployment – inhibiting the pre-deployment process for themselves – eventually, events, or deployment preparation activities will trigger the understanding that the departure is imminent – the syndrome of, ‘why can’t time stand still?’
Tougher emotional deployment cycles typically begin without calculated steps or events – any false narratives soon fall by the wayside, and anticipation of the departure becomes real – 1-5 weeks prior to leaving, Soldiers and their families often experience:
Difficulty accepting the reality of leaving to the point of senseless arguments, or conflicts springing out of fear and frustration – some say families need to say the hard things and allow each other to walk through fears and unknowns.
Roller coaster emotions – unexpected crying, panic attacks, or depression systems may occur – it can be best to (safely and controlled) allow this to happen as a release of the escalating emotions (emotions are like watermelons, they’re just weird until you open them up) – keeping emotions pent up can be a challenge – feelings of increased tension or stress may occur over small or meaningless things – often fueling the friction instead of easing it.
Over booking the calendar with farewell activities/projects – for every good end of a spectrum, there is an opposite (and not so good) other end – calendars should be balanced with a focus on care for the family.
Experiencing feelings of emotional distance between couples, friends, families – fear that others may not understand what they’re going through – it’s best to hold on to each other, but don’t over squeeze – be available, but not in each other’s face – this is so hard on families.
Soldiers often experience difficulties with intimacy or sexual relations fearing loss of the love/support person – some reach out to substitute avenues for intimacy – relationships are always vulnerable around deployments.
As the time of departure draws near, symptoms of restlessness, irritability, anxiety, feeling an inability to cope in the home/personal environment that will increase for the family – something as simple as paying the phone bill can become a nightmare (…not to mention who’s gonna manage the TV remote).
Sometimes a sense of panic sets in, even though good plans have been made, good systems are in place – panic can overcome a person – it feels like our society is less durable than it was ten, twenty, thirty years ago – our collective internal tensile strength has been compromised (for a number of reasons which might be another ‘update’ another day) – left unaddressed, panic will increase.
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The next stages of the deployment cycle are the effects of detachment and withdrawal – this can be felt during the week or few days prior to the Soldier’s departure – this is a difficult stage where some families may experience:
Despair hitting home – a desire to flee from the pain or run away (rather than simply face the inevitable) – a lack of energy, fatigue, depression (lethargic) – difficulty making decisions – failing to take proper physical and emotions care of oneself and/or those they are responsible for – stop sharing thoughts and feelings – labored intimacy (sex always suffers).
It’s hard to remember these feelings and events are normal – relationships are not generally breaking up, even though together in the same house, they are mentally and emotionally preparing for the separation.
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The next stage to the deployment cycle is disarray (for all parties concerned) – the point of deployment – the separation has really happened, and often chaos sets in:
Shock when the deployment finally arrives (even though it’s been coming for months) – feelings that preparation was not adequate (how much is really enough preparation) – an initial sense of relief that the pain of saying goodbye is finally over, may be followed by feelings of guilt and emotional turmoil (“If I love him/her, why am I relieved they’re gone?”).
Feeling numb, aimless and without purpose as old routines have been disrupted and new ones have not been established yet (who will do the laundry, change the oil, take care of the kids, etc) – depression and the desire to withdraw from the world, family, and friends, especially if friends’ loved ones are home (not wanting to burden others).
Feeling of being overwhelmed by responsibility and trying to be everything and do it all (don’t want to let a loved one down or fail) – sleep disruption – due to loss of security and the support person, a tendency to sleep too much (to escape) or too little sleep may develop – eating disorders may occur.
Feeling anger at the deployed loved one for not doing everything that needed to be done around the home for safety/security reasons (over thinking conditions) – feeling anger towards the military for taking the loved one away when they may have been needed most (there’s never a good time) – feeling guilty for things/events that did not happen before separation – it’s hard to decide which things need to happen in the face of a deployment – time always runs out.
And to top things off… the potential of getting stuck’ at this stage – an unwillingness to move on emotionally – this can be detrimental to healthy adjustments – many may experience these emotions every morning of the deployment.
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The next stages of the deployment cycle are recovery and stabilization – things start to improve, but it’s not easy – typically between weeks 3-5 into a deployment – for most people it lasts until about a month before the deployed loved one returns – most people begin to:
Realize at some point, usually not later than midway in the deployment, that “Hey, I’m doing OK” – this sucks but I can get through it – establish a new family/daily pattern that works – the sun comes up and stuff needs doing – it’s best to get after it – feel more comfortable with their situation, self, and the reorganization of roles and responsibilities – they can be more durable than they thought – reach out for support though friends, church, work, spouse groups, etc,
Some adjust priorities – let some things go to have more effective use of time – many appear more mature and independent ‘alone’ – some develop new activities, accepted more responsibilities.
Sometimes sickness, stresses, vulnerabilities, isolationism, uncertainty of abilities, self-doubt creep in – these can fester and grow – often a minor crisis can put person back into the disorganization stage – a busted appliance or flat tire can be a crisis.
The next stage of the cycle is the anticipation of returning – about 4-6 weeks prior to a loved one coming home, people begin to feel a sense of anticipation “They’re coming home and I’m not ready!” – behaviors may digress and negative patterns may develop:
Compiling long list of things still left to do – begin to pick up the pace to get things done – self-imposed fatigue and stress.
Experience feelings of joy, excitement in anticipation of the loved one’s return and being together again – self-imposed extreme expectations.
Experience feelings of fear and apprehension – “Do they still love me?” “Will they have changed?” “Will they like what I’ve done?” – overkill, over thinking, over everything – clean house over and over – perhaps some resentment may be felt at having to give up some of the things and having to change (again) – experience process of evaluating- “I want them back but what am I going to give up?” Control or controlled, can be ugly – put off important decisions until the loved one is home again – ready to release responsibility too early – children also go through a range of emotions and react to the temperament of the home – kids see and feel a lot.
The next stages of the deployment cycle are the return and renegotiation – give and take – let’s make a deal – reestablishing boundaries and responsibilities – first 4 – 6 weeks home – the return to home and family, friends, loved ones back together physically, but are not emotionally adjusted to being together yet – may still feel distance and have trouble sharing decisions, talking, sharing – this stage takes time and effort to work through – for many, it looks like:
A need to refocus on the families/relationships – under or over sharing experiences, feelings and needs – forcing issues – not letting things take a slower pace – alone verses together can be challenging – who manages what now?
Families may feel a loss of freedom or independence – feeling disorganized and out of control as ‘new (deployment) routines’ are disrupted – failing to see a need to renegotiate roles and responsibilities – those deployed often feel isolated, unwanted, unneeded, which can cause arguments and hurt feelings for all.
There may be a need to be aware that too much togetherness can cause friction due to having been apart – some space has value – can’t seem to begin to share the decision-making chores again – talk, don’t talk, talk – making assumptions and drawing conclusions – time with the kids can be hard – may want to plan special activities (short durations) as a reunited family/couple/group which can be stressful.
There is a need to progress slowly with sexual relations, which will fall short of expectations – this can be frightening and produce intense emotions – some forget to apply sufficient time to re-court each other before true intimacy can occur (dating).
Many find questioning/inquiring about anything to be seen as threatening and seem judgmental verses just curious – and some may miss friends/family that helped through separation or supported during the deployment.
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The final stage of the cycle is the reintegration and stabilization – happy times – often within 6-12 weeks after homecoming, those who remained home stop referring to my car, my house, my kids – and return to using ‘we’ or ‘our’ – deployed loved ones feel more at home, needed, accepted, and valued.
New routines have been established and adjusted to by everyone – fear subsides – all parties are feeling more secure, relaxed, and comfortable with each other – everyone is getting back on track emotionally and can enjoy warmth and closeness with each other – this stage does not come without hurt and layers of damage control – all families of deployed Soldiers are scarred.
I can’t help but wonder, how many everyday American families could endure this emotional roller coaster (and then endure it repeatedly) – WIAs or KIAs are physical injuries and losses we recognize (and almost understand) – tragically there are so much more emotional/mental threats connected with yearlong deployments than the results of WIAs or KIAs – it’s crazy, and possibly unacceptable measured against the soaring numbers of broken homes, divorces, abused spouses/children, financial challenges, suicides, suicide attempts and the frightening emotional darkness of tens of thousands of Soldiers and their families wake up to everyday fighting for normalcy – which families will endure it and which will be crushed?
Ready or not, here I come…
I love you Baby!
Kevin's Thoughts 