Kevin's Thoughts

I’m Coming Home

18 May –

Baby, I hope you can endure another update – it’s been a year in Afghanistan – really tough times – writing the ‘updates’ helped me – I hope they didn’t burden you – I’m sure some of them did (some were just dumb) – I found they helped me understand what we went through, and maybe it helped you see a slice of deployed life – and (again) some were just dumb.

As we near the end of this deployment (and the end of these life sucking ‘updates’), I hope to capture and illustrate the emotional cycles attached to lives of those deploying (and their families) before, during and after a year away – you are dealing with, and helping the families on your end – I’ve got the Soldiers over here – I’m trying to remember all the challenging things families go through during deployment cycles.

I’ve learned to accept (which I previously refused to accept) the mental challenges of these long deployments – I (falsely) believe Soldiers and their families just needed to cowboy-up (whatever that means) and deal with it – I was wrong – I was really wrong – Soldiers and their family’s everyday lives are often near crisis levels just below the surface of what they allow others to see – if their emotional lives (initially) were not healthy and well balanced, they can easily become a higher risk and more vulnerable quickly (often without warning) when they deploy – a year at anything has challenges – try eating Ben and Jerry’s for a year – its always starts out okay, but there are risks – a year deployed can be crushing for both sides of the deployment.

++++++++++++++

Getting ready for a deployment starts long before a Soldier actually leaves – deploying into harm’s way is a lot more than a scheduled flight to foreign country – most won’t admit to it anyone (to include themselves) but many Soldiers and their families slip into false narratives about the deployment:

They refuse to address it or speak of the deployment at home or social events – somehow feeling that if it’s not spoken of, it’s not real – this is closely tied to denial and very hard on families.

Some will ignore/deny that the deployment will happen – denial is an easy distraction – the syndrome of, ‘if I don’t think about it, maybe it will go away.’

Others may fantasize that an unforeseen event will occur, removing them from the deployment – a health scare – a administrative error – a family crisis – the airplane will breakdown or that something will happen so the Soldier does not have to leave – the syndrome of, ‘Murphy (of Murphy’s Law) is my friend.’

There are those who fall deep into avoidance – avoid accepting the reality of the approaching deployment (not the same as ignore/deny) – failing qualifications requirements for deployment – inhibiting the pre-deployment process for themselves – eventually, events, or deployment preparation activities will trigger the understanding that the departure is imminent – the syndrome of, ‘why can’t time stand still?’

Tougher emotional deployment cycles typically begin without calculated steps or events – any false narratives soon fall by the wayside, and anticipation of the departure becomes real – 1-5 weeks prior to leaving, Soldiers and their families often experience:

Difficulty accepting the reality of leaving to the point of senseless arguments, or conflicts springing out of fear and frustration – some say families need to say the hard things and allow each other to walk through fears and unknowns.

Roller coaster emotions – unexpected crying, panic attacks, or depression systems may occur – it can be best to (safely and controlled) allow this to happen as a release of the escalating emotions (emotions are like watermelons, they’re just weird until you open them up) – keeping emotions pent up can be a challenge – feelings of increased tension or stress may occur over small or meaningless things – often fueling the friction instead of easing it.

Over booking the calendar with farewell activities/projects – for every good end of a spectrum, there is an opposite (and not so good) other end – calendars should be balanced with a focus on care for the family.

Experiencing feelings of emotional distance between couples, friends, families – fear that others may not understand what they’re going through – it’s best to hold on to each other, but don’t over squeeze – be available, but not in each other’s face – this is so hard on families.

Soldiers often experience difficulties with intimacy or sexual relations fearing loss of the love/support person – some reach out to substitute avenues for intimacy – relationships are always vulnerable around deployments.

As the time of departure draws near, symptoms of restlessness, irritability, anxiety, feeling an inability to cope in the home/personal environment that will increase for the family – something as simple as paying the phone bill can become a nightmare (…not to mention who’s gonna manage the TV remote).

Sometimes a sense of panic sets in, even though good plans have been made, good systems are in place – panic can overcome a person – it feels like our society is less durable than it was ten, twenty, thirty years ago – our collective internal tensile strength has been compromised (for a number of reasons which might be another ‘update’ another day) – left unaddressed, panic will increase.

+++++++++++++++

The next stages of the deployment cycle are the effects of detachment and withdrawal – this can be felt during the week or few days prior to the Soldier’s departure – this is a difficult stage where some families may experience:

Despair hitting home – a desire to flee from the pain or run away (rather than simply face the inevitable) – a lack of energy, fatigue, depression (lethargic) – difficulty making decisions – failing to take proper physical and emotions care of oneself and/or those they are responsible for – stop sharing thoughts and feelings – labored intimacy (sex always suffers).

It’s hard to remember these feelings and events are normal – relationships are not generally breaking up, even though together in the same house, they are mentally and emotionally preparing for the separation.

+++++++++++++++

The next stage to the deployment cycle is disarray (for all parties concerned) – the point of deployment – the separation has really happened, and often chaos sets in:

Shock when the deployment finally arrives (even though it’s been coming for months) – feelings that preparation was not adequate (how much is really enough preparation) – an initial sense of relief that the pain of saying goodbye is finally over, may be followed by feelings of guilt and emotional turmoil (“If I love him/her, why am I relieved they’re gone?”).

Feeling numb, aimless and without purpose as old routines have been disrupted and new ones have not been established yet (who will do the laundry, change the oil, take care of the kids, etc) – depression and the desire to withdraw from the world, family, and friends, especially if friends’ loved ones are home (not wanting to burden others).

Feeling of being overwhelmed by responsibility and trying to be everything and do it all (don’t want to let a loved one down or fail) – sleep disruption – due to loss of security and the support person, a tendency to sleep too much (to escape) or too little sleep may develop – eating disorders may occur.

Feeling anger at the deployed loved one for not doing everything that needed to be done around the home for safety/security reasons (over thinking conditions) – feeling anger towards the military for taking the loved one away when they may have been needed most (there’s never a good time) – feeling guilty for things/events that did not happen before separation – it’s hard to decide which things need to happen in the face of a deployment – time always runs out.

And to top things off… the potential of getting stuck’ at this stage – an unwillingness to move on emotionally – this can be detrimental to healthy adjustments – many may experience these emotions every morning of the deployment.

+++++++++++++++

The next stages of the deployment cycle are recovery and stabilization – things start to improve, but it’s not easy – typically between weeks 3-5 into a deployment – for most people it lasts until about a month before the deployed loved one returns – most people begin to:

Realize at some point, usually not later than midway in the deployment, that “Hey, I’m doing OK” – this sucks but I can get through it – establish a new family/daily pattern that works – the sun comes up and stuff needs doing – it’s best to get after it – feel more comfortable with their situation, self, and the reorganization of roles and responsibilities – they can be more durable than they thought – reach out for support though friends, church, work, spouse groups, etc,

Some adjust priorities – let some things go to have more effective use of time – many appear more mature and independent ‘alone’ – some develop new activities, accepted more responsibilities.

Sometimes sickness, stresses, vulnerabilities, isolationism, uncertainty of abilities, self-doubt creep in – these can fester and grow – often a minor crisis can put person back into the disorganization stage – a busted appliance or flat tire can be a crisis.

The next stage of the cycle is the anticipation of returning – about 4-6 weeks prior to a loved one coming home, people begin to feel a sense of anticipation “They’re coming home and I’m not ready!” – behaviors may digress and negative patterns may develop:

Compiling long list of things still left to do – begin to pick up the pace to get things done – self-imposed fatigue and stress.

Experience feelings of joy, excitement in anticipation of the loved one’s return and being together again – self-imposed extreme expectations.

Experience feelings of fear and apprehension – “Do they still love me?” “Will they have changed?” “Will they like what I’ve done?” – overkill, over thinking, over everything – clean house over and over – perhaps some resentment may be felt at having to give up some of the things and having to change (again) – experience process of evaluating- “I want them back but what am I going to give up?” Control or controlled, can be ugly – put off important decisions until the loved one is home again – ready to release responsibility too early – children also go through a range of emotions and react to the temperament of the home – kids see and feel a lot.

The next stages of the deployment cycle are the return and renegotiation – give and take – let’s make a deal – reestablishing boundaries and responsibilities – first 4 – 6 weeks home – the return to home and family, friends, loved ones back together physically, but are not emotionally adjusted to being together yet – may still feel distance and have trouble sharing decisions, talking, sharing – this stage takes time and effort to work through – for many, it looks like:

A need to refocus on the families/relationships – under or over sharing experiences, feelings and needs – forcing issues – not letting things take a slower pace – alone verses together can be challenging – who manages what now?

Families may feel a loss of freedom or independence – feeling disorganized and out of control as ‘new (deployment) routines’ are disrupted – failing to see a need to renegotiate roles and responsibilities – those deployed often feel isolated, unwanted, unneeded, which can cause arguments and hurt feelings for all.

There may be a need to be aware that too much togetherness can cause friction due to having been apart – some space has value – can’t seem to begin to share the decision-making chores again – talk, don’t talk, talk – making assumptions and drawing conclusions – time with the kids can be hard – may want to plan special activities (short durations) as a reunited family/couple/group which can be stressful.

There is a need to progress slowly with sexual relations, which will fall short of expectations – this can be frightening and produce intense emotions – some forget to apply sufficient time to re-court each other before true intimacy can occur (dating).

Many find questioning/inquiring about anything to be seen as threatening and seem judgmental verses just curious – and some may miss friends/family that helped through separation or supported during the deployment.

+++++++++++++++

The final stage of the cycle is the reintegration and stabilization – happy times – often within 6-12 weeks after homecoming, those who remained home stop referring to my car, my house, my kids – and return to using ‘we’ or ‘our’ – deployed loved ones feel more at home, needed, accepted, and valued.

New routines have been established and adjusted to by everyone – fear subsides – all parties are feeling more secure, relaxed, and comfortable with each other – everyone is getting back on track emotionally and can enjoy warmth and closeness with each other – this stage does not come without hurt and layers of damage control – all families of deployed Soldiers are scarred.

I can’t help but wonder, how many everyday American families could endure this emotional roller coaster (and then endure it repeatedly) – WIAs or KIAs are physical injuries and losses we recognize (and almost understand) – tragically there are so much more emotional/mental threats connected with yearlong deployments than the results of WIAs or KIAs – it’s crazy, and possibly unacceptable measured against the soaring numbers of broken homes, divorces, abused spouses/children, financial challenges, suicides, suicide attempts and the frightening emotional darkness of tens of thousands of Soldiers and their families wake up to everyday fighting for normalcy – which families will endure it and which will be crushed?

Ready or not, here I come…

I love you Baby!

Could banks have done better during the pandemic?

Banks – Could banks have done better during the pandemic?

In 2020, account-holders at the four largest banks in America paid a combined $4 billion in overdraft fees, largely from people making under $50,000 (and living in an economic crisis due to the pandemic).

Wait – what?

According to Forbes, the largest overdraft collection activity came from Jamie Dimon, an American billionaire businessman, chairman and chief executive officer of JPMorgan Chase (the largest of the big four American banks) – JPMorgan Chase alone collected $1.4 billion in over draft fees.

Wait, that doesn’t sound right – do we really expect banks for operate for free – well, in fact… JPMorgan Chase still would have “profited” $27.6 billion if it declined to collect the overdraft fines.

Big U.S. banks got bigger during the pandemic, and they dominate the top of the world’s largest public companies list – so, how did your business, job and family fair during the pandemic? Did you feel an economic boom (like banks did)?

Forbes continues… “Half of the 10 largest companies on the Forbes Global 2000 list, and eight of the top 20 companies, are banks based in the United States or China.” So, banking activity in the U.S. is strong while most struggled to rebound from the pandemic.

Sounds legit…. (he mocks)

Could banks have done better during the pandemic?

100%!

What to do for Memorial Day?

“Memorial Day is a federal holiday in the United States for honoring and mourning the military personnel who have died in the performance of their military duties while serving in the United States Armed Forces.”

Fallen service men and women are (in many ways) just like all of us – they had a life, a family, a story, but they also had something rare that inspired them to serve.

They are not responsible for the politics, international policies, or national level motives surrounding conflicts and wars – they just know we, our loved ones, and our way of life were in harm’s way – and we all hoped “someone” would answer the call to address the threat.

Fallen service men and women answered the call and accepted the training, the risk, the separation, the fear, and the ultimate cost…. not for themselves, but for others – for strangers – for us.

Enjoy your Memorial Day weekend, but also remember our ability to enjoy this weekend is the result of a fallen service man or woman’s ultimate cost – so, enjoy this time in such a way that brings honor to their sacrifice.

“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”

Social Media Used To Be Fun

Lots of angry, aggressive social media posts and replies out there lately.

Social media can be like a pocket-sized flea market hosting thousands of events, ideas, solicitations, and hot messes – all at the tips of our fingers and thumbs – social media is an evolving concept of nondescript rules, or boundaries – every online adventure is layered with pets, politics, photos, pulpits, plans, passions, positions, platforms, press releases and points of view – “you never know what you are going to get” (Forest Gump), until its too late to divert your eyes.

My 100% absolute favorite aspect of social media is connections with friends and family – some of them are scattered all over the world – their lives are in perpetual flex mode, changing all the time – social media helps everyone keep up with each other – special emphasis (for me) on topics of grandchildren, successes, celebrations, and invitations to help others – these are important connections – “Friendship is everything… …its almost the equal of family” (Don Corleone)

Truth be told, friends and family can also present challenges on social media – like it or not, our friends and family are really reflections of ourselves – we feed, or fall for some of the same mental monsters – so, when that crazy friend or family member pops up into your social media feed, remember social media is a volunteer activity – “you wanted cake, you got cake. Now eat it” (Agatha Trunchbull).

Friends and family are only one feature of the expansive social media experience – on that note, consider some of the following (nonscientific) ideas when posting or engaging on social media:

1 – Be relevant, interesting, or trigger natural connections within your social media circles – there are no real rules, but it helps if your post, or reply makes sense and connects to your people – “have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener (Neal Page).

2 – Note to self – my biggest personal social media flaw – I ramble – its true, I run off at the social media mouth way too much – nobody likes a thousand words of anything on social media – always consider the depth and breadth of a post or reply – “You can rob me, you can starve me…and you can beat me, and you can even kill me. Just don’t bore me” (Gunny Highway).

3 – As tempting as it is to dive in, there are people on social media who just prefer their own personal dumpster fire – no matter what they say, they really don’t want to be helped, counseled, or advised off their private crazy train – it’s okay, love them, listen to them, and let them be – “because some people are immune to good advice” (Saul Goodman).

4 – Listen (read) more attentively – reciprocity is the foundation of effective engagement, and encouragement – sometimes it’s a good idea to put our brains into neutral, and just be along for the ride – we are so quick to correct, redirect, and filter each other – this is not my strong suit, but I certainly appreciate it when someone offers me this consideration – “No talking. Never let anyone know what you are thinking” (Michael Corleone)

5 – Respect and value posts and replies – these are our friends, people we selected to hear from, right? We will never agree on everything, but we can certainly have respect and regard for each other – don’t put each other “on blast” by exploiting or abusing their posts or replies – it’s easy to participate in public conflict – but, it takes humility, kindness and real brains to apply restraint – address your friends privately – we might even learn something from each other – “…some people without brains do an awful lot of talking don’t they?” (Scarecrow, of Qz fame).

6 – We all like to be correct – we like to achieve a ‘win’ in front of a social media audience – often times we’ll take social media exchanges to extremes, lasting for days, and eventually losing friends – the ‘all or nothing’ mentality is insane – truthfully, no one wins – the real win, is to keep the relationship – “…you had gone totally insane, and your methods were unsound” (CPT Ben Willard) – is the argument surrounding a post really worth the losing contact with a loved one?

7 – Sure, it feels fun to crush someone online – but, actually it’s just a quick hit of dopamine that feels good, or fun – the more crushing we do, the more dopamine we get – the more we repeat the process, the more we’re motivated to continue the process – truthfully, at that point, we’re no more than a lab-rat preforming for a chemical reward – short term pleasure at a long term cost – at times, all of us could use a mental intervention to help break the cycle, and move on – “…stop focusing on the darkness behind you. The past is the past.” (Walter White) – focus on sustaining relationships, integrity, kindness, and things of value – as ‘Boy Scoutish’ as it sounds, seek things with long-term value, verses a short-term chemical fix – ignore the lying voices in our heads, or the number of ‘likes’ we have accumulated – “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain” (The Wizard of Oz).

8 – We are all different – we all need different methods to help us govern our online behavior – one idea, consider asking a friend or family member to step in if they see us going down a destructive path – someone we trust – someone we will naturally listen to if they ping us – accountability is key for any personal behavior – it might be helpful to have a social media gatekeeper – “I am the Gatekeeper” (Dana Barrett).

Finally, consider a theme or objective for social media accounts – something positive or uplifting – something helpful and beneficial to others – a constant reminder for us to remain above the fray and muckety muck of online conflict – something others will see and connect to us – maybe something that best suits our personalities, place in life or posture:

“Where there is kindness, there is goodness – where there is goodness, there is magic” (Cinderella)

“Bread, that this house may never know hunger. Salt, that life may always have flavor. And wine, that joy and prosperity may reign forever.” (Mary Hatch Bailey)

“Don’t be a jerk” (Spongebob)

Have fun with it – social media used to be fun…

It’s The Little Things

Like a good little social media addict, I “checked in” to Sibley’s BBQ last night when we ate dinner – to tell the truth, just checking in social media style at our local restaurants simply does not do them justice.

We certainly have our share of excellent dining opportunities – one can easily find choices from the comfy & casual to the refined & more formal – not to mention the ever-expanding array of cuisines to drool over – we are truly fortunate to have such a wide variety of quality culinary options.

So, instead of merely checking in at a really good BBQ joint last night, I hope to share one aspect of an outstanding meal and do justice to a locally owned business – to be clear, the entire meal was wonderful – Emily had the catfish, fried okra, coleslaw – I had the ribs, fried okra and mixed greens – (off the record) we also shared a hot peach cobbler a la mode.

Their mixed greens were the star of the meal for me – again, the whole meal was spot on, but the greens brought each component together – I don’t know the ratio, but their mixed green were a balance of collard, turnip, and mustard greens – the seasoning was unmistakably cultured from years of experience and repetition – tiny bits of bacon and drippings perfectly highlighted each serving.

Now to explain this culinary marvel – for starters, they serve the greens in one of those individual serving ramekin (soufflé) dishes – this unique dish does several amazing things for the diner – it’s porcelain, so it holds the heat, the greens and pot liquor all together – no renegade pot liquor rudely invading other side dishes on the plate – the dish also preserves the pot liquor when the greens have all been eaten.

Everyone knows Sibley’s serves hushpuppies with most of their main entrees – yes, their hushpuppies are particularly good, and worthy of mention – but in this case, we only mention them as a soon to be companion to the remaining pot liquor, waiting patiently in the still warm ramekin dish.

Tell the truth, we’ve all experienced that point in a meal when a body just needs to come up for air – you know that point, fingers and face well lubricated with grease and BBQ sauce – tea glass recently refilled and your eye catches the neglected hushpuppies.

All the pieces come together – much in the same way that a fairy god mother bibbidi-bobbidi-boo’ed and ginned up a ball gown and glass slippers, wonderment took over at our table – I picked up the hushpuppies and broke them into the pot liquor, like croutons in a soup – timing is critical – the pieces of hushpuppies soaked up the pot liquor, but only a little bit of it – too much soaking, is an error for sure – at the right moment, I took some of the partially soaked hushpuppies into my mouth – but, didn’t chew or eat them – the intent is to slowly suck the pot liquor back out of the hushpuppies, before eating them – properly executed, one would pull the warm cornbread, bacon, and greens flavored liquid from the hushpuppies – savor their flavors, then eat the hushpuppies – it’s nothing short of magical.

Sadly, there is never enough pot liquor to accommodate a normal serving of hushpuppies – so balance and moderation are key to achieving maximum dining pleasure when enjoying this symphony of traditional BBQ side dish flavors – this was, without a doubt, the best part of my dinner last night.

If you are one of the few, who have not tried the unique dining tradition, I strongly recommend it – it will change your life.

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”

Reflecting on the past often conjures up many emotions, good and bad – I have lived a full life with many memories – but, there is something about being deployed into real world combat situations that sticks with a person – my time in the military took me to many places, the least agreeable locations were Bosnia, Kosovo, Croatia, Iraq, Syria, Kuwait, Uzbekistan, Republic of Georgia, and Afghanistan.

My time in these (less than enjoyable) places left me with layers of memories and moments I often reflect on – oddly enough, many of these memories are not always the ones I thought would be most enduring.

Take a mental stroll with me through a few unique memories – memories are always best when shared with those you care about…

“There is a season. Turn! Turn! Turn!”

Deployments always come with unique medicines and shots meant to protect us in faraway lands – malaria pills is one of those medications – conditions in these underdeveloped locations were breeding grounds for malaria and similar challenges – so, in the first few weeks of our deployments, we took malaria pills daily until the dose naturally ran out – like the prize in the bottom of a Cracker Jack box, medications sometimes reveal unexpected side effects – who knew a regular dose of malaria pills, would mysteriously counter act the effectiveness of another daily regimented pill – specifically, birth control pills – seriously, who know?

One would like to think taking (or not taking) birth control pills in deployed military environments would be a nonissue – but, as we well know, boys will be boyz, and girls will be girlz – that being said, the need for effective birth control found itself in higher demand than was expected.

Some of the boyz and girlz, who relied on the miracle of the birth control pill were surprised when increasing numbers of female Soldiers displaying a motherly glow appeared in many base camps across the region – shock, surprise and a healthy dose of embarrassment was the order of the day.

The lesson learned? There is a time and place for all things – a season for all things – as Solomon illustrated in Ecclesiastes, and (5 thousand years later) by song writer, Pete Seeger in a song made famous by ‘The Byrds’ – knowing how to connect the right time, and right place for most things is important – word to the wise.

Perhaps, a less messy memory….

Sports seasons were a big deal while deployed – not everyone had internet access, so updates and scores were hit and miss – we only got a few games a week on Armed Forces Network (AFN), and games were broadcast at the butt-crack of dawn, local time – catching a game was often a physical challenge – but we didn’t care – we were excited for this familiar emotional connection to home, families and friends – sport’s seasons were something for us to get excited about it, and took our minds off the surrounding conditions.

The lesson learned? As it turned out, it was not the sports at all – the sports were just the path, or the opening that pinged the mental connections back to our homes, families, and friends – these connections were gold – priceless in a world that crushed most things positive or uplifting – not everyone enjoyed sports, but everyone enjoyed those connections.

A day by any other name is still day…

…a day – a day in the week, in the month – a day of most deployments – what do Soldiers think about daily – what are they focused on while deployed – what’s on the minds of Soldiers – certainly, each Soldier is unique, with unique family experiences, career plans, education levels, fears, hopes and dreams – but there are some commonalities – here are some things I found to be on the minds of Soldiers.

Disclaimer – I can only guess what all soldiers think about, but I can recall what countless Soldiers have shared with me – and there seem to be some patterns.

Soldiers hate port-a-johns.

Soldier loath the compromised, filthy, and hellish requirement it is to use a port-a-john in deployed conditions – these port-a-johns are NOT the well-kept, serviced, maintained facilities you normally find at outdoor events (county fairs, rodeos, flea markets, etc…) – most Soldiers would find it safer, and more hygienic to have a battle-buddy cover them, while they “cop-a-squat” over an improvised field expedient latrine – on a good note, they are now more grateful for all thing’s porcelain, tiled and clean – many may even sleep in their bathtubs when they get home.

Who’s the new guy?

Soldiers use sports to take the edge off – sports chatter is a great equalizers, conversation starter, and opportunity to traverse the awkwardness of deployment conversation dead space – football tops all other sports followed closely by basketball and then baseball – the minor sports (tennis, golf, soccer, etc…) are addressed, but on a much smaller scale – fantasy leagues, betting pools, and brackets are a big deal – there are strongly defined regional lines along east coast vs west coast – ACC – SEC – PAC 10 – etc… – deployments naturally generate fear, fatigue, frustration, boredom, anger, etc… sports is a quick safe way to ask, “Are you okay?” – without having to ask, “Are you okay?”

Church, it does the body (and soul) good.

All Soldiers are religious at some point in their deployment (true statement) – religious beliefs and traditions are very personal, largely respected, and seldom looked down on while deployed (which is not always the case when not deployed) – Soldiers will go to great lengths to make accommodations for each other, so each person has time for their religious beliefs – small groups and individual quiet time are much more prevalent than organized studies or services – Soldiers just need some (Spiritual) space – Gospel (full flavored) services are more common and vocal than (paint by numbers) Protestant services, followed closely by Catholic services – there are variety of other services LDS, Muslim, 7th Day, Wiccan, etc., etc. (pretty much everything but, “bark at the moon”) – most Soldiers like some version of quiet, alone, peaceful time – it’s not always traditional, but God gets it – God loves Soldiers.

Stop looking at me!

Soldiers struggle with the lack of privacy – someone is always in your face, all the time – it’s very hard to find time alone – you’d be surprised how much you can miss being alone, until you try to exist without it – for example, try taking a shower with six of your next door neighbors in the bathroom with you – see how that goes over – privacy really is a bid deal – Soldiers get pretty good at noticing when a peer or coworker just needs to be left alone – there are clues and signs – sometimes, they need ‘alone time’ for reasons that are unique to each person – Soldiers learn when to help, and when to back off – tragically, there can be those (commando helpers) who feel like they MUST provide (over the top) help or assistance – they mean well, but they haven’t yet acquired the insight or experience to know how, or when to proceed without making things worse – situations like this seldom end well – typically someone will over press – an argument ensues – that evolves into name calling – which quickly becomes loud – and finally the conflicting parties start talking about each other’s mothers, heritage or physical attributes – it really goes downhill from there – yep, lack of privacy is a challenge – but, so is isolation – Soldiers learn each other so well, that it becomes second nature for them to know when to press, or when not to – these relationships are critical and often lasting.

There are thousands of books and courses that teach the positive aspects of NOT being alone – there are an equal number of books and courses that teach the positive aspects of being alone – perhaps it’s a balance – no doubt about it, spend some time deployed and see how quickly these relationship norms surface.

Catastrophic events suck – injuries suck – death sucks.

Soldiers typically don’t linger, or dwell on death (outwardly) – the same can be true for serious injury to fellow Soldiers – initially, it’s very hard when death or injury happens – then Soldiers try to move on as quickly as possible – moving on is largely for the benefit of day to day events and conditions – there are real world duties that require a Soldier’s time and attention, even in the face of death – some Soldiers are troubled if they find themselves moving on too easily – they’re angry, or confused with themselves for effectively engaging in missions, or enjoying themselves just days after a tragic event – the weight of this internal conflict looms large in hearts, minds and souls of Soldiers – each Soldiers has unique ways of managing this weight – sometimes, if they’re lucky, the weigh diminishes – sometimes, it grows – it can grow like an emotional cancer, attaching itself to its host for life – the military leverages respectful, reverent events to help Soldiers manage this weight – these events allow emotions to flow by way of ramp ceremonies, memorial services, playing of Taps, Soldier’s roll call, etc… – outside of these events, many Soldiers find unique ways to deliberately move on – tragically, there are many who don’t (or can’t) move on – in these cases, the weight refuses to leave them.

NOTE: There will never be a “one size fits all” PTSD diagnosis or treatment – the impact of PTSD on an individual is as unique as a fingerprint – many members of the public are perplexed with how to interact with those who suffer from PTSD – when in doubt, remember there is no substitute for respect, dignity, a little humor, and always kindness.

Soldier’s hate to be bored.

Soldiers read a lot – books, magazines, letters, newspaper (even outdated ones) – reading is an escape and sometimes a sleep aid – sleep does not always come naturally when deployed – Soldiers regularly pass reading material among each other – the variety of reading material available is unlimited and amazing – new reading material in the mail is always a good day for Soldiers.

Soldiers also watch tons of movies – mostly bootlegged copies of movies (quite common in deployed regions) – just like reading material, they pass moves among each other – most Soldiers have personal computers of mini-DVD players to watch movies on – sometimes a projector will be used to show movies on a wall or outside for a group movie event – just like reading material, movies are an escape.

Reading and movies let Soldiers to take a mental stroll, adventure, or plunge into another world – in most cases, these transformations allow their minds to take a psychological pause – there are a great many advantages for Soldiers to mentally regroup, refocus and remember there is more to their lives than the conditions they find themselves in.

Soldiers love to hang out and bullshitting (chatter) – at some point in everyone’s day, they hung out (often after dark) – hang out spots are normally the same (dining facility, gym, motor pool, smoke area, break area, etc…) – hang out groups are typically the same faces – the group is not always people you work with, or spend the day with – hang out chatter topics tend to be the same: sports, movies, culture, politics, families, hobbies, relationships, etc – but, seldom venture into work or mission related topics – hanging out is also a chance to vent about less meaningful, but frustrating things – venting is therapeutic – Soldiers who hang out together achieve exceptional bonds with each other – loyalty to each other – trust among each other – and willingness to sacrifice for each other – hanging out is a good – bonds are good.

Soldiers never stop missing home.

Home is a mental movie playing on repeat in the back of a Soldier’s mind – each Soldier’s home movie has a cast of family, loved ones, and events from lives they left behind – home is always on their minds – the simplest things remind a Soldier of home – home is the focus that drives a Soldier out of bed each day – home is the force that moves a soldier through hard days – home is also the reason Soldiers never stop thinking about being in harm’s way – being in harm’s way is another mental weight carried by Soldiers – home is why they carry this weight.

On their best day, a deployed Soldier is always in harm’s way.

Most people live with a certain level of risk – risk is naturally associated with activities and events that contain mitigatable risk factors (i.e. traffic, natural disasters, crime, etc…) – distinctly set apart from those, are people who put themselves into harm’s way as a means of employment i.e. policemen, firemen, EMTs, military service members, etc…

For reasons known only to them, entering into harm’s way is their chosen profession – these men and women entered into real threat, knowing they would not always be able to mitigate the risk – their motives range from money, education, training, tradition, and adventure – regardless of each motive, the underlying trend was typically the same, service to something greater than themselves.

Oscar Wilde had no idea…

A portion of one of Wilde’s quotes, “expect the unexpected” became a common phrase as Soldiers left for missions or assumed a post – use of the quote was meant to help Solders remember they couldn’t always mitigate all the risks, so they should “expect the unexpected” – but somehow, expecting the unexpected was not always enough…

…the unexpected happened on a major supply route, through seemingly tranquil farm land, in a country that didn’t understand our being there – the area was under surveillance, but enemy activity was not expected – we believed the area to be at risk, but secure – our brigade lost seven Soldiers in one day, in two separate incidents, less than three hours apart – it was horrific and certainly unexpected – killed that day was one chaplain, two drivers, one fuel handler, two infantrymen, and one EOD specialist – their rank structures were two officers, three NCOs, and two Soldiers – they were four fathers, five husbands, all but one, were sons of living parents, and all were Soldiers….

There is no recipe or checklist to prepare Soldiers for a day like this – it’s not just another day, in a long string of days on a deployment in harm’s way – it’s a day they will never forget – of course, the hang outs, close quarters, and sports chatter can help – church, relationships, and bonds will continue to harden their mental strength – tasks and events will soon come back into focus – but, they will never forget, they are deployed Soldiers.

…Soldiers who put themselves into harm’s way each day – a day – a day in the week, in the month – what do Soldiers think about or focus on – what’s on the minds of Soldiers – many things, but mostly home.

Getting Older Rocks!

Age didn’t sneak up on any of us – as constant as nightfall, taxes and death, age is a relentless stalker – for me, age is no longer a hoarder of joy, stealing my days, erasing smiles, or crippling my stride – this may come as a surprise, but I am, at this place in my life, the person I have always wanted to be – I always saw myself as a pretty good guy, just not always everything I wanted to be – but now, I am the person, not the body, the intellect, or the presence I once thought was required of me – this realization is refreshing for a person who over thinks everything (seriously, everything).

I no longer fret over this body or strive to acquire a greater understanding – I am fine with more wrinkles, baggy eyes, a flat butt, and a slower pace – some days I am shocked by the old guy that lives in my mirrors, but I no longer agonize over that guy.

I am more comfortable and confident with my failing grasp of the changing world around me – I know enough to sustain the person I am, which is enough – I’ve released myself from the role of digging into so many bits and pieces of information – I focus more on fewer questions and issues – I pray for the ability to let meaningless issues slip out of view, and remain fixed only the meaningful – it’s like playing “Whack-A-Mole” with only one mole at the center of the board.

I have not seen my hair for years (sustaining a military cut), but I’d never trade my friends, my life, or my family for less gray hair, more physical strength, or striking insight – aging has made me more kind to others and myself – I have become less critical of myself (still working on being less critical of others) – I’ve become a pretty good friend to myself – I don’t beat myself up for eating cookies & ice cream, or not putting everything back in its place, or for buying things that only I understand – I allow myself to rest, be messy, and even procrastinate (if I want) – I believe, too many good people have left this world before they understood the great freedom that comes from embracing getting older.

I still work (a few more years) – I still have a great many chores – I still serve and volunteer – but, I also welcome the less productive events in my life – I like to read or write at all hours of the early morning, and nap in the middle of the day without guilt – I sing or dance alone to 60’s & 70s tunes (alone, cause I’m an awful dancer) – I linger over injustice and moral decline – I cry for the ignored and less fortunate – I sit longer, listen more and try harder to understand – I now wear what I want, despite the unapproving glances and rolling eyes.

I laugh at being more forgetful – poor Emily (my wife) is constantly picking up the pieces of my slipping mental prowess – perhaps, some of life is just as well forgotten, and I eventually remember the important things.

Over the years I’ve hurt others, and I’ve been hurt – terrible hurts with lasting scars – but, there’s also been healing, and perhaps we’re better for it – hurts and broken hearts give strength, understanding and teach compassion (I needed them all) – a life without hurt is a life without scars, and much needed lessons learned – a life without hurt will never know the joy of overcoming and growing – a well aged, weathered life is a mental outline of how to do life better in the morning.

I like what I like,

and I love what I love –

perhaps its a mystery to some,

but I hope this doesn’t change.

I can say ‘no’, and mean it –

I can say ‘yes’, and mean it –

hell, I can even say ‘yes’ and mean ‘no’ –

or say ‘no’ and mean ‘yes’ –

…it’s okay, because I am getting older (for better or worse).

It’s good to have lived long enough to see my hair fall out – to see my blue eyes turn gray, and my silliness fade for more subdued postures – but the wrinkles will never outnumber the memories, good times or adventures.

As I get older, it is easier to be positive – I have less concern about what other people think – I don’t question myself as much – I’ve even gained the right to be wrong more than I’m right, and realize the sky will not fall every time I’m wrong.

I like being older – it’s as simple as that – it has set me free in many ways – I’ve out lived many demons and dark places – I truly like the person I’m becoming – I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be…

…and I might even eat dessert any day I want.

$15 National Hourly Wage – Is it Enough?

There’s a lot of talk about the $15 per hour national minimum wage – some say it’s too much for unskilled labor, or the increase will crush small business owners – others say it’s a much-needed living wage, or its long overdue – and some even say its cloaked welfare – etc., etc….

In this case, there are many sides to this controversial topic to consider – responsible folks “should” do some research, some math, and maybe some analysis before supporting, or tearing down either side of the topic – the worst thing we can do, is hold fast to a “party” position without considering the issue for ourselves.

Let us consider three points:

Is there a disparity between increased cost of necessities, verses increased hourly wages?
If there is a disparity, how should we address this it?
What is the bigger picture to consider in relation to 42 million Americans living in poverty in the richest nation on the world?

(You knew this was coming) I’ve pulled together some research for us to consider – for example:

It is very easy to calculate the increased cost of basic necessities over the last twenty years – items like milk, bread, meats, vegetables, school supplies, clothing, hygiene items, housing, gas, transportation, phones, wifi, etc., etc…

Its even easier to calculate the increase of the national minimum wage over the last twenty years – there has only been one increase to evaluate – a comparison analysis of these two increases (wage vs costs) can tell us a little about whether the national minimum wage should be considered for an increase.

SIDEBAR: If we were really savvy, we’d factor for itemized inflation, world markets, trade agreements, etc., etc… – nawwwwww – for this exercise, lets keep it focused on increases in costs of necessities, measured against increases in nation minimum wage during the same time period.

Spoiler alert! So far, the trends are pretty obvious – even though I’m researching by individual items (milk, bread, meats, etc.), it’s not hard to draw a conclusion that basic costs of necessities have increased anywhere from 55% to 85% over the last twenty years.

Remember, over the last twenty years there has only been one increase to the nation minimum wage – so that increase was easy to factor – I also consider the increases that 29 states have applied to their minimum wages that exceed the national minimum wage – I calculated those increases into a national average according to each relevant state’s estimated number of hourly wage works, measured against the estimated national number of hourly wage workers (not 1 to 1, but ratio to 1) – to insure larger (or smaller) states with a higher minimum wage, can be calculated proportionally to reflect in the national minimum wage.

So, my first point, initial findings illustrate the basic costs of necessities have increased anywhere from 55.3% to 85.2% over the last twenty years (call it 70.5% for illustration purposes).

In comparison, the national minimum wage, adjusted for states with higher minimum wages, has increased 38.8% over the last twenty years.

70.5% Cost Increases

38.8% Wage Increases

= 31.7% Disparity of Wage verses Cost

YES! There is a disparity – tell the truth, most of you already anticipated this outcome, right?

So, on to my second point – what should we consider, or evaluate to address the pretty obvious disparity?

“IF’ the increase to the national minimum wage is falling significantly behind increase costs of necessities, logic would suggest the national minimum wage should be considered for an increase – unless…

Unless, the national minimum wage was proportionally too high twenty years ago – which I strongly doubt (and the math does not support), but it is a possibility I needed to eliminate.

Or, unless the increase will cause harm to some layer of the economic process – for example, an increase of national minimum wage could break the financial backs of small businesses, farmers, and the service industry – I personally believe this to be a ‘fact’ (and not an assumption) – today’s economy will simply pass this increase to the “closest” agent, in the “goods to market pipeline” and financially crush small businesses, farmers and the service industry.

Perhaps, there are other considerations – let’s not ask about the impact to small businesses, farmers, and the service industry just yet – let’s first ask…

Costs to consumers are going up (fact) – those increases are manifested by more money ‘somewhere’ in the economic pipe that provides goods to market – if the cost of minimum wage workers did not go up proportionally, where did those increased monies end up?

Now, I know it is not that simple (don’t start throwing hatchets just yet), but it might be time to consider a recalculation of the money in the economic pipe (No. No. No, not wealth redistribution, for you extremists out there) – truth is, there are many agents getting paid along the economic pipe that bring goods to market – some of those agent’s average wages actually went up proportionally with increased costs of necessities (imagine that).

Again, the cost of basic necessities is on a steady rise (for a number of economic related reasons) – we know there are many other costs increases inherently baked-in the goods to market process – cost of raw ingredients/goods, production/manufacturing, distribution, retail, risk, etc., etc. – Economics 101 will outline how a single dollar can be divided up across this goods to market process.

And there is my second point – there are motives and methods for each cent of that illustrated dollar as it is divided up respectively.

There are decision makers all along the goods to market process – these super smart people ensure every penny of every dollar is evaluated against several costs:

Is the process working effectively/efficiently,
Are there are allowances for growth/modernization,
Are costs of doing business accounted for,
Is quality, quantity, and productivity considered,
Are benefits and wages (for some) factored in,
etc., etc… (it’s a very long list).

These super smart people COULD realign additional pennies for small businesses, farmers, service industry, and in turn hourly wage workers – but these are individual choices – and these choices are not necessarily in line with normal business practices, or basic human nature – and seriously, why would they take monies out of their assets, and give them to another agent without being legally obligated to do so?

Remember, a great deal of work has gone into ensuring that each “goods to market pipeline” works at maximum efficiency, productivity, and profitability – why would they risk toppling that lucrative process?

Finally, we have reached my third point – history is one of our greatest teachers – we could learn a lot from history, if we capture it accurately and reflect on it – the economic history of our nation tells many stories and provides many lessons to consider – in fact, there have been hundreds (if not thousands) of historic changes in our economic history, in spite of there being no legal motive to change – the absence of legal precedence gave way for other agents to step up to address moral wrongs discovered in the process – for example:

Individuals, markets, or businesses influenced agents in the “goods to market pipeline” to alter how their pennies were rationed for the greater good of the larger process.

Institutions, the medical community, science, and discoveries influenced the development and manufacturing of goods, materials, foods, and products to be better, safer, and smarter.

Workplace disasters, faulty products, worker abuse, and evolving safety considerations influenced major changes in all through our economic engines.

Organizations, corporations, churches, banking activities, advocacy groups, and advancing legal influences began to take on moral shortfalls to stand up for workers, consumers, and those who found themselves (like wage workers) in the many overlooked cracks of the goods to market process.

And finally, the government developed, advanced, and maintains systems to ensure all of the decisions influencing the division of pennies of each dollar, is done so with some degree of legal obligation because of moral wrongs that naturally surface as a result of human nature.

All that said, to say…

Perhaps it is that time again – perhaps some of these influencers may step up and address this potential moral wrong that has surfaced in the greater economic process – regardless of the absence of legal obligation, a moral outcry from our nation’s impoverished begs for our attention.

In the simplest of terms…

The cost of basic necessities has gone up significantly, and the national hourly wages has failed to keep up.

For many of us, our incomes have embedded processes that cause our incomes to increase along with growing cost of necessities each year (without us even asking).

I wonder what our outcry would be without these privileges safeguarding our incomes.

I wonder how quickly we would demand, and receive correction for such a disparity in our version of the economic process.

$15 National Hourly Wage – Is it Enough?

We Claim To Love America – So why do we hate so many parts of America?

As a conservative American, I’m always perplexed when I dig into our conservative agendas that profess, to love America – to be fair, I do believe, we ‘believe’ we love America – but I also believe our messaging can be confusing, even within conservative circles – messaging is critical as it relates to policy positions, political agendas, and voting records.

What does it mean to be a conservative American? What does it mean to vote with the conservative agenda? What is our message? I wonder what it means to love America as it relates to the people and policies in America that our rhetoric and platforms simply DO NOT support – what specifically are we saying when say we love America, but there are so many American things we seem to hate.

We say we love America, but many of our conservative policies demonstrate that we hate, or are in conflict with so many American citizens (weird, right?) – in spite of overwhelming evidence we’re slow, or all together absent when it comes to dealing with so many real issues surrounding people of color, the poor, the under or uninsured, poorly represented voters (due to gerrymandering), victims of predatory lending, grocery deserts, failing public schools, unequal policing and legal persecution, ‘redlining’ , etc., etc… Other than personal gain or party driven agendas, why wouldn’t we want and fight for these Americans who do not benefit from the same privileged perks that we enjoy?

We say we love America, but we fight tooth and nail against ensuring constitutional civil rights and liberties are enforced equally for all Americans – how is it that we still claim these civil inequalities DO NOT exist, and yet we have failed to spend any real time or effort in the shoes, the neighborhoods, the schools, the trials or the history of Americans fighting every day for equal civil rights and liberties?

We say we love America, but we fail to tolerate or provide equal voice to Americans whose religious beliefs differ from our own – shocking for conservatives, but lately we seem to hate the separation of church and state, in favor of a twisted ideal of Christian Nationalism – very tough for non-Christian Americans to digest this message.

We claim to love the American economy but, we hate some of the larger American states that sustain the economy.

We claim to love the average American, and hate the rich, but we fight hard for tax breaks, loopholes, and concessions for the rich while the average American remains average.

We claim to love the American worker, even to the point of subsidies for farmers, industry, and special projects – but we battle against a living wage for hourly waged Americans – so, some Americans deserve a living wage, but others don’t?

We claim to love America, but our messaging and policies demonstrate a shocking lack of empathy for American’s poor? How do we think the poor interprets this?

We claim to love America’s natural beauty unless it gets in the way off industry – mixed message?

We claim to love American industry, except when they give jobs to immigrants.

We claim to love (certain) Immigrants coming to American, until they need the things we feel we were intitled to – but we hate American liberals for also feeling intitled.

We claim to love American government, but not government interference if it gets in the way of big business – but, we hate big business for being too globalized – we hate globalism for taking jobs from American workers, unless we (or our lobbies) benefit from globalism – hmmmmmm, I guess money talks.

We claim to love the American worker, until they unionized and demand better jobs, conditions, and benefits – but it was us that turned a blind eye when industry abused the American worker requiring them to act on their own – weird messaging, right?

We claim Pro-Life is an American agenda, but we only claim pro-life in the context of abortion – we ignore the equally horrific loss life in:

Illegal or unjustified wars.

Poverty, hunger, homeless and the elderly.

Unequal/abusive policing, false/unequal convictions, unjust bail processing, or wrongful executions.

Overdosed Americans whose additions were fueled by protected big business.

Leadership’s failure to provide a clear, concise messaging in the face of a global pandemic.

Etc., etc., etc…

Remember, we are supposed to be the party that stands for the moral right side of all issues.

So, what aspects of American is it that we love? Does our messaging mirror the things we claim to love?

What does all American hear when we stomp our moral feet and claim liberals, socialists, communists, and progressives are the problem – while they watch our political agendas fail half of America over and over.

Or, when we stand tall in the security of our well-financed, safe and secure homes insisting that all Americans need only follow our paths to success, failing to see we’ve denied their entry.

What do we portray when we pound our well fed, healthy chests and insist our agenda is the best agenda for America, without policy consideration for anyone but ourselves?

I’ll ask again, what aspects of American is it that we love? Or do we just love the American that looks, acts, and thinks like us….

What is our message?

NOTE: The concept of this blog is not entirely mine – I saw the premise, “how can we claim to love America, if we hate so much of America” on a tic-toc video by @theloneliestwolf – I added my spin as a conservative who thinks he presented a fair and good question.

Is Your Dream For All Peoples…

Is your dream for all peoples, or just your peoples?

The principles tragically fail, if these amazing MLK quotes are applied any other way than equally across all peoples – and that is the point.

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.”

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

“The time is always right to do what is right.”

“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

“Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?”

“We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.”

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”

….hard for me to pick a favorite.

Today, we remember and celebrate Dr King as the movement of equality still begs for the attention and support from all peoples.

“I have a dream…” – is your dream for all peoples, or just your peoples?