– – Chapter 1 – –
A light snow fell as Greg pulled his red Dodge pickup behind the well kept apartment complex on Mountain View Blvd – snow and ice popped and crackled under the weight of the vehicle rounding the lot – freezing winds captured icy flakes swirling between parked cars and buildings – midday on a Thursday left many parking spaces available – working people were clearly at work – the apartments were quiet – a half dozen ten foot high piles of plowed dirty snow took up a few spaces next to the fenced dumpsters – he thought how city snow was prettiest on the first day, then it just got uglier as days went by.
Not upscale, but not trashy either, the apartments were typical middle income family dwellings with middle income vehicles scattered around the mostly empty parking lot – the complex had a snow covered court yard and swimming pool begging for relief from the cold Colorado winter – it was a grayish cold day that encouraged even honest folks to use sick days rather than face the bitter elements.
He parked in a familiar spot, shut off the engine and sat quietly for a few minutes – even though the quiet overwhelmed him, he did not get out – snow quietly covered his windshield as the bitter wind hummed over his truck – he was no stranger to this lot or these apartments, he had been here many times – he sat and he waited for the impulse or the courage to act on his underlying predicament – he heard his heart pounding loudly in the solitude of his truck – he was still torn between his relentless desires and his traditional view of ‘right and wrong’ – good versus evil, right versus wrong, high road versus the low road – a five thousand year old battle that has crushed many a man far better than him – he viewed himself as a good man – wicked impulses begged him to cross over the fragile thin line between good and evil – on one hand he wanted to get out and go inside, on the other he wished he had not come at all – his mind, sore from his dilemma, cranked out possibilities to a simple choice he needed to make – he wondered if he was being carless, cowardly or cautious.
Cold temperatures crept into the front seat of his truck and forced him to zip up his blue hiking jacket – he folded his arms tightly over his chest and glanced up at the familiar apartment window – new fallen snow neatly framed the window’s panes – he saw the lights were on and the curtains opened – Sarah was there and she was waiting for him – Sarah was why he was there in the first place – separated by the door of his truck and her frozen window, they both sat and watch and waited.
He had not gone inside to see her in over a month – this broken routine strained their emotions and complicated their intentions – the uncertainty was physically and emotionally draining for both of them – she wondered if their inappropriate time together was coming to an end – she wondered if they would ever again have the joy they once had – she wished she knew what to do now – she wondered about her own role and responsibility as she considered the tangled mess she found herself in – she rubbed her hands together in her lap as she leaned closer to the window and peered out – the quiet of the midsized apartment roared in her head while she waited for him, or any kind of helpful inspiration.
She wanted to hear his voice telling her something, telling her anything – he had not said a word about his new distance from their improper relationship – they both knew the relationship was very improper, but until now, that had not been an issue – he was drifting away, he had not returned her calls or emails for weeks – she wondered how they grew so far apart so fast – she considered going down to his truck, then quickly talked herself out of the idea – a sudden clattering from her refrigerator’s ice maker broke the weighty silence – the noise startled her – she shuttered and shifted in the chair trying to calm herself – she scolded herself for being so easily rattled – her scolding quickly morphed back into an emotional unsettled state as the reality of her situation tightened its grip on her – she began to cry softly and quietly.
Time was frozen as she sat in a high back reading chair next to the cold window – she continued to stare out at his snow frosted truck – this chair offered a perfect framed view of Pike’s Peak and Manitou Springs – but she only saw the parking lot he sat in – he always parked in the same general area – he would normally leave his truck quickly and come inside – she normally sat in the same chair waiting for him – but she normally didn’t cry, or wait, or wonder.
So many times before she waited only a short time at this same window for the joy and excitement of his arrival – these times were typically laced with laughter, fun, and pleasure – she leaned further forward trying to see his face through the frozen windshield – she wondered if he wanted her to see him sitting out there – her mind over thought both sides of their dilemma – stress was building up inside her – she forced herself to break her concentration – she glanced around the apartment’s living room – it was a well designed, nicely matched sky ‘blues’ and beach ‘browns’ – but the décor of this borrowed apartment did nothing to brighten her mood – her eyes teared up again – she brushed a dried tear streak from her flushed face – she silently cursed herself for the extra time she seemed to have wasted on her makeup, hair and outfit – wasted time was nonrefundable – he always complimented her appearance – each compliment drove her to work harder for his attention – she struggled with what to do next – should she leave? Should she call him? She was so torn, and she was now embarrassed.
How did this become so hard to deal with? Why were choices so hard to make all of the sudden? Their relationship started out so easily – they both knew it was wrong, but somehow they silently selfishly justified it to themselves – she remembered the good times, when he first started coming over – they met often – there was no stress, no fears or tears – but, everything suddenly changed for the worse – their secret time together used to be so magical, so fun, so fulfilling – they were living out their own romance novel – dinners, movies, hikes, picnics, and sex – the sex was amazing – like two lost lovers, they consumed each other at every opportunity – their adventures together seemed to be perfect – but, something had happened – something changed.
The out of the way apartment was just one of several secrets they shared – dates, times and locations hidden safely away in an intricate web of stories and alibis – they had many secrets – secrets that just recently evolved from pleasure into pain with little explanation.
This apartment was their most consistent venue – it was leased by a young military couple – friends of hers – she had many friends who were in the military – families in the military learned early to trust and lean on each other – she had agreed to stop by and check on this apartment through the winter months – harsh Colorado winters sometimes caused power outages or frozen water pipes – very few properties are left unchecked during the bitter cold winters – the young military wife was back east to see her family while the husband was deployed to the chaos knows as Afghanistan – many military wives and children moved back to their extended families and loved ones during long hard deployments – the empty apartment became a secret meeting place for a bad relationship – their rendezvous had become more frequent – their meetings crossed the line from physical to emotional – they were both caught up in the mess and the magic of many inappropriate meetings.
Piercing cold soon crept into the front seat of his truck – it was manifested by involuntary shivering that caught him off guard – he began to rub his hands together – the falling temperatures forced him to blow warm breath into his fisted hands – what was he doing out here again – he cursed himself several times – he was going to ruin both of their lives – he wanted desperately to talk to her and try to explain himself – he had rehearsed his reasoning a thousand times and each time it sounded shoddier and more selfish – he laid his head back on the headrest and focused on the frozen window that kept them apart – he caught a maintenance man in the corner of his eye spreading deicer on sidewalks – he wondered if anyone had ever noticed their secret meetings – his mind raced through scenarios from the past and possible errors – there had to be missteps – could their secrets have been outed by someone as simple as a maintenance man – he blew out a long frustrated breath and tapped his wedding band on the cold plastic steering wheel – he wondered if his wife could ever forgive him if his secretes were found out – could he control the fallout if his affair was discovered – what right did he have to risk compromising his marriage and family – what right did he have to impose himself on another man’s wife and still consider himself a ‘good man’ – he cursed himself again.
Now, warm tears flowed over her very flushed cheeks – her vision blurred her efforts to see his face in his truck – he had been out there too long – she told herself, he would not be coming inside – she leaned back in the reading chair and whimpered out a slow deep breath – she closed her eyes and recalled the last good time they were together – she longed for happier times, less stressful times – it was about a month ago, they had been out for a secret dinner and an evening stroll downtown Colorado Springs – great beer, and a good meal followed by a long slow walk under city lights in a light snow – it was another in a long line of wonderful covert meetings – nothing seemed unusual – smiles, stories, and desires shared through giggles and provocative eyes – they savored their carefully measured minutes together – each date was meticulously planned and orchestrated for ultimate fun and pleasure, second only to secrecy, which both of them required.
She remembered, their stroll took them along a row of restaurants and bars – there was nothing out of the ordinary, but she remembered they walked past a group of four or five enthusiastic and flamboyant guys – their hair cuts and posture suggested they were young Soldiers out for an evening of adventure – they were happy, loud and their appearance was flavored with an attitude of ‘ladies beware’ as they made their way into an Irish pub – the Soldiers were vocal about their recent return from Afghanistan – she tightened her arm around his as their pace slowed – he turned to watch the rowdy Soldiers pass by – it was then, at that moment, that something snapped in him – he stopped walking and stared at the young men – she watched him, puzzled by this distraction – he stared at the pub door that only seconds ago took in the Soldiers – she recalled putting her hand to his face and asking him if he was alright.
“Did one of the soldiers upset you?” she asked.
“No,” he told her. “They’ve been deployed, haven’t they?” he asked.
“Yes, I think so” she answered him.
Everything seemed to have changed from that point forward – he quickly walked her back to their vehicles, apologized for his abruptness and left her at her car – their happy secret adventures dramatically ended without explanation and without a clue about the future.
Greg’s personal experience with Soldiers began with his Grandpa-Joe and ended with his father’s military service – they both served in the US Army – his Grandpa-Joe was a ‘lifer’ who completed twenty four years of active duty – he was a fiery, vulgar enlisted infantryman before retiring as a loud angry first sergeant – after retiring from the military, Grandpa-Joe took a less demanding job at a Western Auto in a small south Alabama town – he died of lung cancer twenty two years later – Greg’s grandfather’s life reflected hard work, standards and the importance of providing for his family – Grandpa-Joe hated his job at the hardware store, but tolerated it in order to support his family – he spent most work days telling army and war stories to anyone who would listen – he was a regular treat for young boys and men who ventured into the store – he could tell stories for hours and never repeat a single one – his stories could be funny, provocative, tragic or heroic depending on who was listening – he served two combat tours in World War II and one in the Korean Conflict before he retired from the military in 1958 – he also spent noncombat time in Germany, Italy, the Philippines and all over Georgia and North Carolina – Grandpa-Joe was indeed a colorful, animated character that oozed strength, patriotism, fear of God and love of his country – much of this resonated in Greg – Grandpa-Joe’s death hit Greg hard, as the larger than life character vanished from his life – his death left Greg and his father with the challenge of carrying the family legacy forward.
Greg’s father’s military service was less honorable than Grandpa-Joe’s – in 1969 and 1972 Greg’s father endured two brutal combat tours in Vietnam as an enlisted combat medic – as a medic he often found himself caught in life and death situations – he stopped counting at twenty, the number of injured Soldier’s lives he was ‘unable’ to save – his mind and mental strength eroded fast – his stories, if he was to tell them, were harsh and horrific – his military service consisted of training at Fort Sam Houston, Texas, an assignment to Fort Hood, Texas – most of which was spent in Vietnam – and Fort Carson, Colorado, which was his last assignment – tragically, military leadership and structure quickly deteriorated after the Korean Conflict and through the Vietnam years – federal funding for the military dissolved – drug use erupted, and the nation’s role for the military softened on many fronts – Greg’s father became a struggling, but functional morphine and sometimes heroin addict – he was dishonorably discharged for stealing morphine ampoules from Fort Carson medical facilities – after being discharged, Greg’s father bounced through a number of sales and services jobs – there were as many good years as there were bad, but the family was never able to be financially stable – Greg absorbed these hard family times through adolescent teenage eyes as he tried to measure his father against his Grandpa-Joe – life got harder on Greg’s father when the nation failed to care for war veterans and turned its back on those who were willing to die for it – Greg and his father drifted and became estranged – his father’s late in life divorce, on and off drug use, petty crimes and no regular mailing address keep them separated – Greg saw his father as a victim of giant wasteful and uncaring federal military system – his father was physically and psychologically broken – he found himself abandoned to scratch out a life after volunteering, and deploying for the nation that now failed him – Greg would not continue his family’s military legacy but, he held great pride and respect for the legacy his Grandpa-Joe left him – today, deployed and deploying soldiers held a special and personal place in Greg’s heart.
After about twenty minutes, the cold was too much for him to bear – Greg banged his fist on the dashboard, cursed loudly at his empty front seat and started the truck – he raced the engine, violently pulled out of the parking lot and drove away – he was upset and perhaps even angry – he wanted badly to be with Sarah in their secret apartment, but Sarah was married… married to a soldier… a soldier who deployed regularly – unclear how to face or manage his emotional chaotic state of mind he simply ran from it… again.
She heard his truck start – she stood and watched as he carelessly drove away… again – this was the fourth week in a row he arrived, and left without ever getting out of his truck – again, her mind went back to the last time they were together – walking downtown arm in arm, laughing and talking, he saw the soldiers and he snapped – that was all she could think of that remotely explained his behavior – their good times were over – perhaps their good times needed to be over.
Next time, Chapter 2
Kevin's Thoughts 